helium heaven

maap ya teman teman, saya absen ngeblog beberapa minggu ini, gyahaha, habisnya saya sibuk sendiri sih dengan too much drama in my love life. come ooon, this after-valentine-weekdays are killing me. i mean, some of these problems are too shallow to pass, but if they're keep coming on and on, i'm afraid they'll turn me off. {and the thing i just realized that this week is absolutely my PMS week, gyahahah, now i fucking knowwww why do i wasted a bunch of tissue, well - besides my influenza things, haha.}

hell no, i was so desperately crying my heart out these days, just like those sinetron girls, feeling so fucking tired and choosing between keep playing it, pausing it or even stop it. i'm almost out of tissue today, i wasted it most this morning, calling my bestfriend whose advise i always hear, sharing aaaaall of my feeling, my tears, my anger, and that was my desperate morning call EVER. i mean, come oooon, i even out of "pulsa" {oh shit, what does it mean in english?}, but keeeeeep crying on and on after the conversation suddenly ended. sobbing - throwing the wet tissues - sobbing - and throwing the wet tissues. tired of wasting them all, i decided to turn on my macbook, go online, do plurking. got my friends online, and share some story, annoys each other and laaaaaugh out of loud. going online and plurking made me smile, and even laugh, finally. XD

we were talking about happytos, discussing whether it can really makes you happy or not, well, ijol says it could. or it should. this thing is called happy-tos for god's sake, so it HAS to make people happy. hahahah, he's right. somehow it HAS to make ppl happy. {haha, this discussion even persuaded me to buy happytos XD }

this is not the part that makes me feel much better, because after that, suddenly an unexpected and uninvited situation is coming, well, annoying yet entertaining situation that made the 3 of us drowned in evil laughs. HAHAHAHA. ssst, this one is secret, i cant teeeeell yaaaaaaa, sorry ahahaha

well, finally i feeeeel MUCH MUCH better, i'm still breaking down inside but now i'm SO HAPPY to have such crazy friends like them all. who would answer my desperate morning call even he's still sleeping,who would listen to my grumbles with hidden sobs, who would cheer me up and give wise advises, who made me laugh and forget aaall my sadness, stop my tears then put some smile instead.

i do feel better even i dont know do my relationship gets better. i dont know. i doooont want to know. i mean, even if i've ruined all off this shit, i'm trying - working my ass off to make it much better. i've buried my very own ego, try to be a lil' careless, fetch a life, and go on with this life. maybe you'll love me less, or i'll do love you less for a couple days, maybe it wont stay long or maybe it last like that forever. i'm too afraid to ask, because i'm too afraid to know. but even if bad things happen, i did my best shot.

i told you, i love you and i want it to the fullest,
but these things made me broke down in tears,and torn my heart into pieces.
well, i'm trying to fix them, and re-arrange the pieces, back to their places.
but now i cant find some missing pieces, my heart got some holes.

here i'm trying to fulfill it.
whether it's worthwhile or so-so. or even not worth it.

I LOVE YOU, THAT'S ALL I WANT TO DO.